Friday, February 6, 2015
Taking My Own Advice
As 2015 is quickly going by, I start looking back on the passed 5 years. I've grown. Tons. I've learned to love and let love in. I've learned to be a better version of myself, I've learned that numbers are not what make who I am ( ex. size of clothing, what the scale reads, how many miles I log, or how fast I run them for that matter.) But most of all I have learned to take my own advice.
Recently I have noticed that so many people are locked into comparison, self hatred, body image issues, procrastination, self pitty, jealousy, and following the masses.
I am possibly the most guilty of these "sins" and it's not just me that it affects, it's also my children. In fact, I have noticed the more I heal those broken parts of me, the more I accept my flaws. Should I label them flaws? Probably not. Notice: I am still healing, and will be for a VERY long time.
I cannot tell you how many times a day I look in the mirror and wish I could see what others see in me. I struggle some days to hold back the tears because I want a butt with no cellulite, I wish I didn't have stretch marks, I want to look like so and so. The list is quite long actually...scary.
But, I think about how much time I put in to being healthy. I eat healthy, I spend hours in the gym, I run (a lot), those stretch marks are from the creation of the three best works of my life, and looking like so and so may be tempting, but unnecessary.
I find myself giving solid advice to my friends and loved ones. Advice that I should really look into taking. I have friends whom compare themselves to other runners, other women, and other mothers all the time. In those times of comparison they bash themselves mercifully. And the cycle continues. As I listen, I think of me over the years looking in the mirror wanting so badly to be "better." What does that even mean? It means that I would make myself vomit, I would restrict my calories and push my body to extreme limits during that restriction, and the worst call myself fat.
Did all of that self abuse make me better? It may have made me appear "better" to my sick mind in the mirror, but I was indeed much worse.
2015 brings me to a new start, from 2009 when I began my fitness journey. I shed over 78 pounds in that time frame..some of it may be back occasionally. But, I am human and that's allowed. I have become friends with women that empower me, and have taught me that giving to each one of them indeed is what makes me "better." I have befriended humans that push their limits and have educated me on doing the same. I have found soul mates in these friendships. I have found love that is just that, love.
The comparison factor creeps in and out as it always will. As humans we want and want. But, each day finding new limits weather they are spiritual, physical, or mental is what really makes me better.
I have vowed to make my time in the gym and my miles about being healthy, not better. I want to feel good, I want to heal, and I want to be a role model for my children. If being a size 4 versus that size 0 is what people think makes me better, I don't want those individuals in my life. It's toxic.
I embrace my curves. I embrace my strong arms and quads. And dammit, I embrace who I am!
It's quite liberating. Letting go of the comparisons and the inner demons. The time we spend picking up the broken pieces of ourselves on the inside will shine on the outside. I am learning everyday to be a better version of me, and I am taking my own advice...